So there hasn't been a post from me in a very, very long time. Yeah, I'm aware of this. This is partially due to the fact that thanks to a wordpress update, I can't seem to get into my site through anything other than the android mobile app on my phone. This has made posting and cross-posting blogs a bit difficult and it wasn't until today and some help from Nyx Goldstone that I finally realized I could pull it off. It just takes a bit more potchkeying than I'm used to.
Anyway! On to the actual update!
A couple of posts back, I blogged a request for donations to help me get my art back up and underway. As of yesterday, this has finally paid off as I got together enough money to get my software and hardware and am now the proud owner of a new Bamboo Connect tablet! I did some practice drawings yesterday in photoshop and let me tell you, it feels SO GOOD to be able to art again!
I owe a few people commissions now, and a couple of thank-you-gifts, but once I clear my commissions list I will be open and offering more types of commissions than ever before!
January is the month of Prosperity, and I see it everywhere I go, it seems. Starting with my return to the ability to release the art that has been locked up inside of me for years, and continuing into a prosperous new year and all the possibilities it entails. I'll be blogging more frequently again as I move along through this year, and eventually I'll get the rest of the story of my roadtrip from last year out as well (that's a promise!), but before I can do that I have to be able to get into my website through normal means, as I can't post my photo galleries to the blog without being able to enter the site on my computer rather than my phone. So right now that's still a bit of a roadblock.
In other news, randomly at about six am this morning, I regained my positivity and my happy after it being missing for...well, quite some time. I'm going to be working out regularly, getting my body in shape (and getting rid of the edema in my legs that's been caused by alternating colds and asthma attacks not allowing me to get up and move around enough lately), and working out always makes me feel good. I'm working on a life-schedule so I have time to take care of all the things I want to every day.
I had a strange epiphany while playing The Sims 3 (I want the Pets expansion SO BAD) the other day. When I used to play The Sims 2, I always played with a cheat. I'd never been able to balance the Sim's need for rest and food with all their other desires. I played through a whole week in Sims 3 without a cheat and for the first time in my life I had the realization that The Sims is very realistic for a REASON. I had to get my little person into a routine that allowed her time to get a full night's sleep, to eat at least twice a day (I say at least because I'm fairly certain she ate at work for lunch, but I didn't "see" that), and to take care of her household and personal chores, while still having time to work on her writing and other fun things she wanted to do. As I played through this week I realized that what I needed to do for myself is exactly what I was doing for this Sim that was based on me.
So thanks to Google Tasks and a related app for my phone to help me keep track, I've put myself on a schedule. Not random alarms that I'll shut off and not remember what they were supposed to be for, but actual CHECK boxes that lead me through what I need to do on a regular basis. But I'm not making the mistake I've made so many times before - I'm not writing down EVERY LITTLE THING that I need to do every day, to the point that my to-do list becomes overwhelming and I start my lazy pattern of shirking EVERYTHING for feeling overwhelmed. No, this is a new year and this is a new me, and from now on I'm getting this RIGHT.
Thanks to Lona, every month I have something new to meditate upon to help me keep my positive and my happy. I will control when I go to bed, and I will NOT allow random second-winds to keep me up until six in the morning and throw off my pattern for weeks at a time. I will have a cup of coffee when I feel like I'm flagging, and I WILL eat more than once a day. I will be eating less salt, and drinking more water. I will make time each day to work on artwork and commissions. I will NOT force myself to work on something until it becomes something I no longer want to do - I will want to work on it as long as I work on it, and I will work on it as long as I want to, to paraphrase Grandpa's normal toast. (May you live as long as you want to - and want to as long as you live.)
So hello 2012! You are going to be an amazing year, and I can't wait to see what you bring! Prosperity! Love! Charity! Passion! Sentiment! And SO much more!
Ancient Trails - Follow Me On RSS
Showing posts with label life: updates. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life: updates. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Friday, September 16, 2011
Six Years Gone
I didn't post on Monday this week because it seemed far more poignant to post today. Not because today is Friday, and not even because I had (and am fairly sure I passed) my first Statistics exam yesterday, but because today is the six year anniversary of me moving out of my parent's house in Texas and coming to live with my now fiancee and her family, who took me in as their own.
A lot has happened in the last six years - a lot of discovery, loss, joy, pain, and growing has happened on the part of me and everyone around me. I feel more like "myself" than I ever have before, and I've accomplished so very much in such a little span of time.
When I moved out here, I never thought I could go to college. I didn't think I was good enough even to pass the GED. But both my biological parents and my "adopted" parents (Lona's) encouraged me, and I passed it. Then I tested into College and began taking classes. I maintained a 4.0 GPA for many semesters and made it into Phi Theta Kappa, the 2 year college national honor society, the equivalent of Phi Beta Kappa. I will wear their pin when I graduate - which is going to be sooner rather than later.
Once I pass Statistics, I will only have 2 classes left, not only to transfer to Cal State Fullerton (where dad went), but to officially get my AA in Anthropology: my first degree.
In all of this, I've grown a lot as a person, and learned to trust the things I've always felt were right. I don't let other people pressure me into their points of view, and I have learned to listen to things fairly and evenly (though I admit I still have a problem with arguing even when I know I'm wrong), and have discussions.
I've grown to have actual emotional responses to things, rather than just crying or running away. I've learned to stand up for myself when I feel it's important, and to back down when it isn't. I've learned that I am an incredibly intelligent and talented individual, and I am still growing as a person, as a student, and as a spiritual being.
So many things I never would've learned if I wasn't here - I learned that I love roller-coasters, but hate falling. I've learned that love itself is an incredibly powerful emotion and can do things and get you through things you never thought you could survive. I've learned that sixty years of life doesn't make one person wise, and that twenty years of life doesn't make a person dumb - everyone is unique. I've learned that people do things, both good and bad, when you least expect them. I've learned the difference between the pain of losing a family member long-distance and losing one you share a house with. I've learned how to say goodbye, and how to say hello. I've learned that I like the scent of cherry blossoms, and I prefer softer materials to denim if I can help it.
I've learned that when someone leaves, they don't necessarily stay gone, and sometimes that which you can't see readily can be as real as that which you can. I've learned that I possess talents I didn't know about, and I'm still learning how to harness them. I've learned that love can turn a vicious alley cat into a snuggle kitty. I've learned that being half bobcat doesn't go well with half housecat.
I've learned that cancer can kill faster than you'd think possible. I've learned to treasure every moment with every person, because you never know when you'll speak the last "I love you." I've learned that you can impact people's lives without ever having met them in person. I've learned about balance, and decisions, and the value of silence and meditation. I've learned how to clean a kitchen and a bathroom without hurting myself. I've learned how to manage money (ok, so I'm still working on that one, but I'm better).
I've learned that cutting your own path means dealing with the rocks you uncover on the way, and that sometimes the experience of making the path smooth and easy is more than worth all the hard work that goes into it. I've learned that I don't need to visit a museum every couple of weeks to maintain that connection within me. I've learned to listen to the silence, the trees, and the wind, and feel in my soul what they have to say.
I've learned that it takes more than a year for a traumatic connection to fade in your mind. I've learned that a year after the fact, I still drive by certain buildings and find myself crying. I've learned to let myself cry. And I have learned, most of all, to love wholly and completely, without reservation.
Lona, I owe all of this to you. You came to Texas, six years ago today, and brought me home. And while I do miss my parents (I wish I had more time to talk to you guys!), I know that being here is where I'm supposed to be. And I am more than content.
Thank you, babe, for the gift that is your friendship and love. Thank you, mommy, for accepting me for who and what I am, for your encouragement and your love and your never-ending help along my path. Thank you, mom, for encouraging and helping me through all this growing I've had to do since moving here, and thank you for believing in me. Thank you, daddy, for your support and your intelligence and tips for dealing with things I never realized I'd need to. Thank you, dad, for being there for me out here until you couldn't be anymore - I will hold on to those memories forever, and I will never stop missing you. Thank you, aunt Bonnie, for teaching me to say goodbye - I still miss you, so much. Thank you, kitties, for showing love, acceptance, and patience with this confused puppy. Thank you, kitties I never even met while alive for teaching me that everything is a decision - and thank you for deciding to hang around.
Here's to another six years of joy, pain, excitement, passion, adventure, and most of all, love. Life is an adventure - but until you start living it, you never know just how incredible it can be.
A lot has happened in the last six years - a lot of discovery, loss, joy, pain, and growing has happened on the part of me and everyone around me. I feel more like "myself" than I ever have before, and I've accomplished so very much in such a little span of time.
When I moved out here, I never thought I could go to college. I didn't think I was good enough even to pass the GED. But both my biological parents and my "adopted" parents (Lona's) encouraged me, and I passed it. Then I tested into College and began taking classes. I maintained a 4.0 GPA for many semesters and made it into Phi Theta Kappa, the 2 year college national honor society, the equivalent of Phi Beta Kappa. I will wear their pin when I graduate - which is going to be sooner rather than later.
Once I pass Statistics, I will only have 2 classes left, not only to transfer to Cal State Fullerton (where dad went), but to officially get my AA in Anthropology: my first degree.
In all of this, I've grown a lot as a person, and learned to trust the things I've always felt were right. I don't let other people pressure me into their points of view, and I have learned to listen to things fairly and evenly (though I admit I still have a problem with arguing even when I know I'm wrong), and have discussions.
I've grown to have actual emotional responses to things, rather than just crying or running away. I've learned to stand up for myself when I feel it's important, and to back down when it isn't. I've learned that I am an incredibly intelligent and talented individual, and I am still growing as a person, as a student, and as a spiritual being.
So many things I never would've learned if I wasn't here - I learned that I love roller-coasters, but hate falling. I've learned that love itself is an incredibly powerful emotion and can do things and get you through things you never thought you could survive. I've learned that sixty years of life doesn't make one person wise, and that twenty years of life doesn't make a person dumb - everyone is unique. I've learned that people do things, both good and bad, when you least expect them. I've learned the difference between the pain of losing a family member long-distance and losing one you share a house with. I've learned how to say goodbye, and how to say hello. I've learned that I like the scent of cherry blossoms, and I prefer softer materials to denim if I can help it.
I've learned that when someone leaves, they don't necessarily stay gone, and sometimes that which you can't see readily can be as real as that which you can. I've learned that I possess talents I didn't know about, and I'm still learning how to harness them. I've learned that love can turn a vicious alley cat into a snuggle kitty. I've learned that being half bobcat doesn't go well with half housecat.
I've learned that cancer can kill faster than you'd think possible. I've learned to treasure every moment with every person, because you never know when you'll speak the last "I love you." I've learned that you can impact people's lives without ever having met them in person. I've learned about balance, and decisions, and the value of silence and meditation. I've learned how to clean a kitchen and a bathroom without hurting myself. I've learned how to manage money (ok, so I'm still working on that one, but I'm better).
I've learned that cutting your own path means dealing with the rocks you uncover on the way, and that sometimes the experience of making the path smooth and easy is more than worth all the hard work that goes into it. I've learned that I don't need to visit a museum every couple of weeks to maintain that connection within me. I've learned to listen to the silence, the trees, and the wind, and feel in my soul what they have to say.
I've learned that it takes more than a year for a traumatic connection to fade in your mind. I've learned that a year after the fact, I still drive by certain buildings and find myself crying. I've learned to let myself cry. And I have learned, most of all, to love wholly and completely, without reservation.
Lona, I owe all of this to you. You came to Texas, six years ago today, and brought me home. And while I do miss my parents (I wish I had more time to talk to you guys!), I know that being here is where I'm supposed to be. And I am more than content.
Thank you, babe, for the gift that is your friendship and love. Thank you, mommy, for accepting me for who and what I am, for your encouragement and your love and your never-ending help along my path. Thank you, mom, for encouraging and helping me through all this growing I've had to do since moving here, and thank you for believing in me. Thank you, daddy, for your support and your intelligence and tips for dealing with things I never realized I'd need to. Thank you, dad, for being there for me out here until you couldn't be anymore - I will hold on to those memories forever, and I will never stop missing you. Thank you, aunt Bonnie, for teaching me to say goodbye - I still miss you, so much. Thank you, kitties, for showing love, acceptance, and patience with this confused puppy. Thank you, kitties I never even met while alive for teaching me that everything is a decision - and thank you for deciding to hang around.
Here's to another six years of joy, pain, excitement, passion, adventure, and most of all, love. Life is an adventure - but until you start living it, you never know just how incredible it can be.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Flights Of Fancy...
I missed last Monday's post... and I very nearly missed this week. Nothing horrible happened, it just seemed that my writer's block turned into flat out creative block of all types. I couldn't even really get into WoW beyond running dailies and other things I'd done thousands of times already.
The good news seems to be that my muse is back, and I did notice a bit of a connection to something else. In the last few weeks, I haven't had a single dream that I remembered. I didn't even have that moment after you wake up of knowing you'd been dreaming but not sure what it was about.
Last night, I had several very vivid dreams. The one that keeps coming back in my head involved trying to find a place that sold an aquarium that would be perfect for Pokey, my turtle. My turtle who's been dead for quite a few years, actually, so having him of all former pets show up in my dream was kind of strange. However, there he was, and I couldn't find an aquarium that I liked for him. And then there were two other turtles, and I'm not sure what happened from there.
There was also a strange sequence about my cat, Buddy, running around on the balconies of an apartment building that looked like something out of Venice, Italy, but that's even foggier than the turtle dream. But the point of this is that I have come to the realization that I might have been having a creative crash because the part of my brain that creativity is based in was.. offline for maintenance or something. I don't know WHY that would happen, or what I can do to make sure it doesn't happen again, but I seem to have gotten past it now.
What does this mean for you, my wonderful readers? It means that the next two posts in the Shift Happens series will be up soon (possibly not on Mondays, just whenever I get them done), and that I'll be blogging regularly again (I hope).
Just goes to show you that dreams, and other flights of fancy, are important to your psyche. Who knows what you might lose if you lose them?
The good news seems to be that my muse is back, and I did notice a bit of a connection to something else. In the last few weeks, I haven't had a single dream that I remembered. I didn't even have that moment after you wake up of knowing you'd been dreaming but not sure what it was about.
Last night, I had several very vivid dreams. The one that keeps coming back in my head involved trying to find a place that sold an aquarium that would be perfect for Pokey, my turtle. My turtle who's been dead for quite a few years, actually, so having him of all former pets show up in my dream was kind of strange. However, there he was, and I couldn't find an aquarium that I liked for him. And then there were two other turtles, and I'm not sure what happened from there.
There was also a strange sequence about my cat, Buddy, running around on the balconies of an apartment building that looked like something out of Venice, Italy, but that's even foggier than the turtle dream. But the point of this is that I have come to the realization that I might have been having a creative crash because the part of my brain that creativity is based in was.. offline for maintenance or something. I don't know WHY that would happen, or what I can do to make sure it doesn't happen again, but I seem to have gotten past it now.
What does this mean for you, my wonderful readers? It means that the next two posts in the Shift Happens series will be up soon (possibly not on Mondays, just whenever I get them done), and that I'll be blogging regularly again (I hope).
Just goes to show you that dreams, and other flights of fancy, are important to your psyche. Who knows what you might lose if you lose them?
Sunday, April 17, 2011
She said it best...
Trinitylast's Blog: April 14th
The above link is my fiancee's blog regarding her dad's birthday a few days ago. You know, I know it gets confusing, but I'm going to refer to him as dad in this as well, because that just makes things a little easier.
She really epitomized how I was feeling in that post, though I admit I hadn't made the connection that she did with what Leon said at the memorial service and the way we felt. I don't think I can type up anything nearly as long without crying, hence the link to hers, but I felt the need to say something and have been feeling it for days. I just haven't been able to gather my thoughts. So here's my attempt.
The "a year ago" things I was worried about are happening in full force. It doesn't help that we just lost AJ, a little over a week before dad's birthday. Now, I want to make one thing clear - I see animal spirits. I have never seen dad, but I, as everyone else in the house is, am aware that he's very much still here. How, if I don't see him?
Well, he has a tendency to comment on things, just like he did when he was alive. He'd overhear a conversation from another room, and shout his 2 cents in. Now, though, it's in our heads. And more than one of us have heard him at the same time, which is kind of the proof, as far as I'm concerned. So again, I have the odd juxtaposition of missing someone who I am aware of on a spiritual level still being very much here. But I miss him.
Like Lona said in her post - all the annoying things he did... I miss them. All the times he yelled and blew up and shouted at everyone in the house because he was having a bad day, I miss. But when it comes down to it, what I miss the most is the knowledge of his physical presence. I miss his hugs. I miss sharing our interest in action movies (I haven't really been able to watch action movies since he passed, and I only just now realized that's probably WHY), and history. I miss him giving me advice for dealing with my schoolwork, and I miss the fact that he had planned to show me around Cal State Fullerton when I transferred... He still will, I suppose, but I'll be the only one physically there. I miss him bragging on me to his friends over the phone, telling the story of the misplaced bone in a museum that I identified and brought to the attention of the staff. (That hall was closed for renovation the following month, and reopens this summer, so I'm looking forward to seeing if they FIXED that, and part of me wonders if I was part of the reason for the renovation.)
I miss the TV on all night, and him sitting essentially right next to me - the couch is next to my desk. His comforting presence there, even when he was asleep. I miss him talking in his sleep (one memorable time, he quoted something from a James Bond film, and another he went on for over an hour about how the plant seed pods were going to get us all, and it was all "your" fault... We still don't know who he was talking to). I miss him coming in while I was doing dishes or making a sandwich and commenting on the careful, deliberate way that I do things, then hugging me or patting me on the back.
I only knew him for five years. But he was a huge part of my life, just by virtue of being... dad. And even though I was afraid of him when he got loud, when I first moved in, I later came to recognize what came from a chemical imbalance, and what was actually him. And while I hated his chemical imbalance... I loved him. No matter what.
And now I miss him. Every day. In every way possible, I miss him. On an almost daily basis I think, "Dad would be so proud of me for _____", or "I wish dad was here to see this...". Even when he didn't understand what I was talking about, he listened to me. He really listened to me - and that was a huge thing for me.
So, yeah... Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and time doesn't heal all wounds. Some wounds stay gaping and open, and there's nothing you can do to heal them. In time, you learn to live with the pain.
Things you learn as you get older, I suppose. And things that are just common sense. Everyone says goodbye. Goodbyes always hurt. And the holes that are left are never filled.
I miss you, dad.
The above link is my fiancee's blog regarding her dad's birthday a few days ago. You know, I know it gets confusing, but I'm going to refer to him as dad in this as well, because that just makes things a little easier.
She really epitomized how I was feeling in that post, though I admit I hadn't made the connection that she did with what Leon said at the memorial service and the way we felt. I don't think I can type up anything nearly as long without crying, hence the link to hers, but I felt the need to say something and have been feeling it for days. I just haven't been able to gather my thoughts. So here's my attempt.
The "a year ago" things I was worried about are happening in full force. It doesn't help that we just lost AJ, a little over a week before dad's birthday. Now, I want to make one thing clear - I see animal spirits. I have never seen dad, but I, as everyone else in the house is, am aware that he's very much still here. How, if I don't see him?
Well, he has a tendency to comment on things, just like he did when he was alive. He'd overhear a conversation from another room, and shout his 2 cents in. Now, though, it's in our heads. And more than one of us have heard him at the same time, which is kind of the proof, as far as I'm concerned. So again, I have the odd juxtaposition of missing someone who I am aware of on a spiritual level still being very much here. But I miss him.
Like Lona said in her post - all the annoying things he did... I miss them. All the times he yelled and blew up and shouted at everyone in the house because he was having a bad day, I miss. But when it comes down to it, what I miss the most is the knowledge of his physical presence. I miss his hugs. I miss sharing our interest in action movies (I haven't really been able to watch action movies since he passed, and I only just now realized that's probably WHY), and history. I miss him giving me advice for dealing with my schoolwork, and I miss the fact that he had planned to show me around Cal State Fullerton when I transferred... He still will, I suppose, but I'll be the only one physically there. I miss him bragging on me to his friends over the phone, telling the story of the misplaced bone in a museum that I identified and brought to the attention of the staff. (That hall was closed for renovation the following month, and reopens this summer, so I'm looking forward to seeing if they FIXED that, and part of me wonders if I was part of the reason for the renovation.)
I miss the TV on all night, and him sitting essentially right next to me - the couch is next to my desk. His comforting presence there, even when he was asleep. I miss him talking in his sleep (one memorable time, he quoted something from a James Bond film, and another he went on for over an hour about how the plant seed pods were going to get us all, and it was all "your" fault... We still don't know who he was talking to). I miss him coming in while I was doing dishes or making a sandwich and commenting on the careful, deliberate way that I do things, then hugging me or patting me on the back.
I only knew him for five years. But he was a huge part of my life, just by virtue of being... dad. And even though I was afraid of him when he got loud, when I first moved in, I later came to recognize what came from a chemical imbalance, and what was actually him. And while I hated his chemical imbalance... I loved him. No matter what.
And now I miss him. Every day. In every way possible, I miss him. On an almost daily basis I think, "Dad would be so proud of me for _____", or "I wish dad was here to see this...". Even when he didn't understand what I was talking about, he listened to me. He really listened to me - and that was a huge thing for me.
So, yeah... Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and time doesn't heal all wounds. Some wounds stay gaping and open, and there's nothing you can do to heal them. In time, you learn to live with the pain.
Things you learn as you get older, I suppose. And things that are just common sense. Everyone says goodbye. Goodbyes always hurt. And the holes that are left are never filled.
I miss you, dad.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Scientific Perspective
I'm sitting in Anthropology, listening to the lecture on what happens after we die, physically. I can't help but notice that for the first time in almost a year, I'm able to view this detachedly again. I suppose that's a very good thing as far as my scientific career goes.
However, I attempted to watch Bones this last weekend and felt a bit overwhelmed. I couldn't get through the first episode. I can't help but remember that I used to love things like NCIS and CSI, and I was fascinated by the coroner's scenes in both shows. Now, having had close encounters with Death, I find it harder to view these shows from the perspective of scientific examination. I was enjoying the show, but something (I don't even REMEMBER what it was now, and I'm not sure if that's a good thing of a bad thing) went triggery in my head and I had to stop watching the episode.
I miss dad. I miss AJ. I miss my old pets. I miss my aunt. Death doesn't agree with me, I discover. Not really a surprise, as while I work spiritually with dead THINGS, the spiritual side is very much alive. It makes things easier. I don't know, though. I feel like my brain is a bit disconnected right now.
I have school work to do, lots to think about, tests to prepare for, books to work on, gaming goals to reach... In other words, I have quite a lot to do and a lot on my mind.
However, my positivity is still fully in place. I feel happy and amazing generally. I love getting up in the morning, I'm loving doing everything I can to help around the house. I'm loving taking care of the kitty cats we still have, and getting back into my hunting games. I'm healthy and happy and throughly loving everything I'm doing.
I have to get gas on the way home from class today, and I'm STILL incredibly happy. I'm going to end this entry before I babble myself into nonsense.
However, I attempted to watch Bones this last weekend and felt a bit overwhelmed. I couldn't get through the first episode. I can't help but remember that I used to love things like NCIS and CSI, and I was fascinated by the coroner's scenes in both shows. Now, having had close encounters with Death, I find it harder to view these shows from the perspective of scientific examination. I was enjoying the show, but something (I don't even REMEMBER what it was now, and I'm not sure if that's a good thing of a bad thing) went triggery in my head and I had to stop watching the episode.
I miss dad. I miss AJ. I miss my old pets. I miss my aunt. Death doesn't agree with me, I discover. Not really a surprise, as while I work spiritually with dead THINGS, the spiritual side is very much alive. It makes things easier. I don't know, though. I feel like my brain is a bit disconnected right now.
I have school work to do, lots to think about, tests to prepare for, books to work on, gaming goals to reach... In other words, I have quite a lot to do and a lot on my mind.
However, my positivity is still fully in place. I feel happy and amazing generally. I love getting up in the morning, I'm loving doing everything I can to help around the house. I'm loving taking care of the kitty cats we still have, and getting back into my hunting games. I'm healthy and happy and throughly loving everything I'm doing.
I have to get gas on the way home from class today, and I'm STILL incredibly happy. I'm going to end this entry before I babble myself into nonsense.
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