When I was about seven years old, I had a dream that I remember vividly to this day. In the dream, once you were issued a library card, there was some sort of tube system hooked up to your house. When you wanted to return a book, you’d drop it into this vacuum tube thing, and it would go back to the library. Contrariwise, when you wanted to check a book out, you’d swipe your library card through a thing like a credit card reader, and somehow, the book you wanted would plop out of another tube.
I remember the dream, and I also remember telling my mom about it the next day while she was drying my hair. I think we had some sort of conversation about how some of the fun of the library would be lost in a situation like that, since you’d have to already KNOW the book you wanted to check it out, and there wasn’t a chance to discover anything new or even just sit at the library and read for a few hours. I can’t be sure though that this wasn’t something I thought about later, however I do know that I remember the dream. I think I might have had versions of it later that changed the delivery system a bit, but overall stayed with the same basic idea.
Tonight, I had the sudden realization that the dream itself was kind of prophetic.
Hear me out – stupid thing to have a prophesy about, yes? But still – I’ve had déjà vu occurrences repeatedly where I’d perform an action and realize as I DID it that I knew how it was going to come out, and then remember dreaming a similar situation some time earlier. All dumb things – dropping a pencil, a conversation involving several people…The closest thing that’s ever come to being anything useful was noting in a dream a couple of years ago that a conversation I was having with my fiancée and her mother didn’t include her father, and wondering WHY…and then late last year I HAD that conversation with them – and dad wasn’t present because he’d passed away the previous year. But if the universe was trying to warn me of that, it really could’ve picked some clearer ways – and a situation that didn’t involve a mundane conversation that occurred over a year after he’d passed away.
So I obviously don’t have a prophetic gift, however the reason I think of it as BEING prophetic anyway comes from hearing people talk about the bible, in particular the book of Revelation, as I was growing up. A common concept is that the things described in that book are not exactly what the writer said, but rather his interpretation of the things he was seeing, that didn’t make sense to his mind because he was seeing the world of the future. Imagine what an atomic bomb blast, or a giant video screen, or even a modern day TV and computer set up or something as common as a car might have looked like to someone in the early 100 A.D.’s.
To come back to my dream and the weird realization I had tonight. See, a little after midnight tonight, I finished a library book on my e-reader. I took it over to the computer, hooked it up, opened Adobe Digital Editions, and clicked the “return” option on the book. Just like that, it was gone from my e-inventory. As I went to the site to hunt down the next book in the series and check it out for download, I suddenly remembered the dream. I saw myself, seven or eight years old, sticking my Hank The Cowdog book into the “chute” in my dream, and watching it get sucked away, then going over to the other chute to scan my library card and retrieve the next book in the series.
Not a direct prophesy, obviously, but there’s no doubt that the situation in my dream definitely came true! And, I both returned and checked out a library book a little after midnight on a Sunday, just to make it even MORE convenient.
So what does it mean that I have dreams and things like this? Probably a whole lot of nothing. I am a bit more tapped into the inner workings of things than the average person, or so I like to think, but just once…Only once…could I maybe dream next week’s lottery numbers?
Yeah. When that happens, THEN I’ll be excited. For now? I’m off to read my next e-book. I’d better hurry – I have to return it in twelve days.
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Sunday, March 25, 2012
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Struggling With Addiction
I've been struggling the last couple of weeks. Not just with the addiction alluded to in the title of this blog, but with whether or not I should blog ABOUT it. However, as with many things I post, I believe my experiences might be of help to other people. So after another argument with myself over whether or not I wanted to reveal this personal struggle, I realized that if I didn't, I'd just keep putting off blogging out of the fact that I both wanted and didn't want to talk about this aspect of my life.
So what is this addiction I'm both hesitant and eager to talk about? Have I fallen in with a bad crowd? Taken up recreational drugs? Do I drink? Do I smoke? The answer to all of the above is a resounding "no." I'm not addicted to painkillers or anything like that. No, the mood-altering substance that I've become dependent on is far more insidious than any of the aforementioned things.
What I'm addicted to is, in fact, something that no person or living thing on earth can live without. My addiction...is food.
I'm sure there are those out there who are thinking the obvious, especially if they've seen me in person before. Yes, I'm overweight. This is due to lifestyle as well as genetics, and I am fighting it. Currently I work out an average of twice a week, I try to eat healthy, for the most part, and I take my supplements every day. The obvious is, at it's least insulting, a resounding "Duh." However, there's more going on under the surface that, while a part of me has been aware of, I haven't consciously allowed myself to see until it was brought into stark realization by my fiancee last week.
Some of the symptoms of food addiction are:
I've tried diets before - the cravings for "real food" always got so bad within a few days that I couldn't continue. Diets aren't for me, I decided. So I decided to eat normally and control my portion sizes. I always felt hungry still, after eating, and I actually felt SAD looking at a plate with perfectly reasonably sized portions on it. "It isn't enough food," was the overwhelming thought. I tried tricking myself, telling myself that what I have on my plate is all the food there is, and that there's no chance for me to get seconds. This resulted in me finishing my food and then watching other people who are still eating, hoping they'll have food left that I can have. I am always reaching for and never quite reaching the "enough" point. Even in situations like an all-you-can-eat buffet, I would be frustrated. The feeling of being full, of having had "enough" food, only lasts for a couple of hours, and that first burst of hunger pangs after getting home from the buffet always sets off an anger cascade in my mind. "I should've eaten more! There wasn't enough food!" is the overwhelming thought process. And I find myself hunting down food again. Something I've had multiple discussions with my fiancee about is this "not enough" mentality and how it ultimately hurts me. Yet I still haven't been able to shake it - most of the time I can avoid saying it aloud, but I can't seem to stop thinking it. No matter how much or what I eat, there's never "enough."
People who are addicted to food are liars. That's right - liars. I hate being thought of as such, and this is one of the reasons that I'm finding this blog so incredibly hard to write. But I am a liar - when it comes to food. I would go out of my way to go out alone to run errands, with the hope of being able to sneak a fast food stop in there. I would tell myself that if I didn't grab a couple of burgers before going into the grocery store, I'd risk going off-list in my shopping because I was hungry. I'd lie about why I'd been gone so long when I came home, blaming non-existent traffic or accidents for my tardiness that could better be explained by the fact that the line at McDonalds or Burger King was insanely long and I sat in it anyway. I'd lie about how much money I'd spent, or where it went when I didn't have the funds available to do something at a later date that people thought I would have. And I would even lie to myself, saying that I was so hungry, I didn't have a choice - I had to get fast food, or I'd get a headache or some other excuse that I readily and eagerly believed if it meant I would get the food I was craving. And the more I did it, the more often I would find opportunities to do it again. And to make matters worse, I was so good at lying to myself that I believed every word of it.
Thankfully I never reached the point of addiction where bingeing would give way to purging. I ate to that point a couple of times but thanks to a slightly pathological fear of throwing up, I never allowed myself to actually take that step. Ironically the fear is because the last time I had a stomach bug after eating something I liked, it was years before I could again enjoy that thing - and I wouldn't let that happen because it would mean that I would lose all the things I craved for an undetermined amount of time, so I never reached that point. However, what I have been doing is detrimental to myself on a physical and emotional level, because like with any addiction, the more you feed it, the more you need it.
It's been over a week since I've had any kind of fast food, and I'm telling you right now - years long addictions do not go away easily. They don't even get better in a week - in fact, the cravings are worse right now than they've been yet - probably because I'm actively thinking and talking about them. The problem with this addiction, versus any other addiction people might have, has been spoken of in the metaphorical form of a tiger. With most addictions, when you're ready to beat them, you put the tiger in the cage and then do your best to keep it there. With food, however, you still NEED it. You're forced to put the tiger in the cage - and yet take it out for a walk three times a day. It isn't just fast food I'm addicted to, though it's what I crave the most - it's just plain eating. Eating anything. As I mentioned earlier, the thought of the tacos tonight is making my mouth water. Chewing gum or gnawing on a bone after eating a steak or pork chop works. As a result, I'm having to police myself VERY carefully in every aspect of anything having to do with food.
In the mean time, the headaches I was getting in the last week finally seem to be going away, however I'm experiencing some serious mood swings at the moment. I've bounced back and forth between angry, happy, and frightened (about something inconsequential) within the last five hours, and now I'm having a simultaneous burst of manic-like energy while my brain is trying to convince me that I need to take a nap. This is resulting in an on-edge, hackles-up, tense feeling. It's taking everything I can do not to get up and pace the living room like a caged animal. I've caught myself grinding my teeth, biting my tongue, and fidgeting in other ways. I shift in my seat, make random quiet noises, and have had to stop myself from making up some excuse for needing to go out so I could sneak in a fast food run in the process and just maybe take the edge off of this for a few hours. If it was smoking I was giving up, this would be called "nic-fitting," however with food there isn't any specific name for it.
The feelings I'm addicted to are a result of the chemicals that eating releases in the brain - they're truly what I'm addicted to. I can distract myself with other things for short periods of time, get that seratonin high that I'm craving off of performing well in a WoW dungeon, or focusing completely on artwork or writing to the point of being proud of what I'm turning out...but it doesn't last. And here's another lie I'm telling myself - I just caught it. No, the highs don't last - but NEITHER does the high from food! Or else I would never find myself caught in the "never enough" loop again. But because the things I'm using to distract myself, much like the use of nicotine gum for smokers, are a stop-gap measure and my body knows they are not what I really want, what I'm actually craving, my subconscious is telling me that they aren't good enough. That the good feeling isn't enough. Just like the "wrong" food is never enough, or even the right food in too small of a quantity is never enough.
It's insanely hard to admit you're addicted to something. It's harder to fight the addiction - especially when it's a lifelong one. I'm taking the first steps in recognizing that what I have is an addiction to food and going out of my way to fight it, but this road isn't easy. However, with writing this blog and admitting to the world as a whole that I have a problem, I'm taking another important step - realizing that I am not alone in this fight. I'm writing this because perhaps knowing that someone else is going through this will help others, but I also know that getting it out there will help me as well.
I've been on the wagon for over a week now. Here's to taking steps toward freedom, one day at a time.
So what is this addiction I'm both hesitant and eager to talk about? Have I fallen in with a bad crowd? Taken up recreational drugs? Do I drink? Do I smoke? The answer to all of the above is a resounding "no." I'm not addicted to painkillers or anything like that. No, the mood-altering substance that I've become dependent on is far more insidious than any of the aforementioned things.
What I'm addicted to is, in fact, something that no person or living thing on earth can live without. My addiction...is food.
I'm sure there are those out there who are thinking the obvious, especially if they've seen me in person before. Yes, I'm overweight. This is due to lifestyle as well as genetics, and I am fighting it. Currently I work out an average of twice a week, I try to eat healthy, for the most part, and I take my supplements every day. The obvious is, at it's least insulting, a resounding "Duh." However, there's more going on under the surface that, while a part of me has been aware of, I haven't consciously allowed myself to see until it was brought into stark realization by my fiancee last week.
Some of the symptoms of food addiction are:
- Being obsessed and/or preoccupied with food. I personally experience this on a daily basis - somewhere in my mind there's always the focus on (even if I've just eaten) what and when I'm going to eat next. It definitely qualifies as an obsession, be it at the background or the forefront of my mind, it's always there. Even as I type this, I'm wondering what I will be having for dinner in a few hours - I believe the plan for the night is to make tacos. And there's part of me that's already anticipating the flavor of said food.
- Having a lack of self-control when it comes to food. Again, this is exemplified in almost every moment of my life. If I want a specific food, and it's available to me, I will eat it. I have stolen food. I've obsessively stared at other's plates, hoping they wouldn't finish their food so I could have it. I have run myself hundreds of dollars into debt buying fast food to satisfy cravings. If that doesn't exemplify a lack of self-control, I don't know what does.
- Having a compulsion to eat that results in bingeing despite negative consequences. I hate when I gain weight. I still eat obsessively. People have gotten mad at me - for stealing food, for spending money, and still every time I have the opportunity, I will still go for food. I don't like my physical body. I do not find it attractive in the slightest. Still, I eat.
- Gaining a sense of pleasure and/or comfort from food and obsessively using food to gain that feeling. When I'm upset, I want food - at my worst, I crave chocolate. Now this might sound normal, except that those who know me well know that chocolate is not my "drug of choice." I'll go for a cheeseburger before I'll go for chocolate - and my sweet of choice is in general things like white chocolate or fruit-flavored things. I have a penchant for citrus flavored candies and I love all things lemon. But when I have cravings, nine times out of ten, what I'm craving is some sort of meat or dairy product, and when I'm upset the first thing my mind goes to is wanting fast food - usually McDonald's double cheeseburgers.
- Having a need to eat that results in a physical craving. This has been the hardest for me the last week or so since realizing my addiction and taking steps to fight it. The physical cravings are getting worse and worse. I've chewed through packs of gum, dosed on Rescue Remedy over and over to get through the worst of them, but still they persist. Even now, right now, I can almost taste a double cheeseburger with extra onions...
I've tried diets before - the cravings for "real food" always got so bad within a few days that I couldn't continue. Diets aren't for me, I decided. So I decided to eat normally and control my portion sizes. I always felt hungry still, after eating, and I actually felt SAD looking at a plate with perfectly reasonably sized portions on it. "It isn't enough food," was the overwhelming thought. I tried tricking myself, telling myself that what I have on my plate is all the food there is, and that there's no chance for me to get seconds. This resulted in me finishing my food and then watching other people who are still eating, hoping they'll have food left that I can have. I am always reaching for and never quite reaching the "enough" point. Even in situations like an all-you-can-eat buffet, I would be frustrated. The feeling of being full, of having had "enough" food, only lasts for a couple of hours, and that first burst of hunger pangs after getting home from the buffet always sets off an anger cascade in my mind. "I should've eaten more! There wasn't enough food!" is the overwhelming thought process. And I find myself hunting down food again. Something I've had multiple discussions with my fiancee about is this "not enough" mentality and how it ultimately hurts me. Yet I still haven't been able to shake it - most of the time I can avoid saying it aloud, but I can't seem to stop thinking it. No matter how much or what I eat, there's never "enough."
People who are addicted to food are liars. That's right - liars. I hate being thought of as such, and this is one of the reasons that I'm finding this blog so incredibly hard to write. But I am a liar - when it comes to food. I would go out of my way to go out alone to run errands, with the hope of being able to sneak a fast food stop in there. I would tell myself that if I didn't grab a couple of burgers before going into the grocery store, I'd risk going off-list in my shopping because I was hungry. I'd lie about why I'd been gone so long when I came home, blaming non-existent traffic or accidents for my tardiness that could better be explained by the fact that the line at McDonalds or Burger King was insanely long and I sat in it anyway. I'd lie about how much money I'd spent, or where it went when I didn't have the funds available to do something at a later date that people thought I would have. And I would even lie to myself, saying that I was so hungry, I didn't have a choice - I had to get fast food, or I'd get a headache or some other excuse that I readily and eagerly believed if it meant I would get the food I was craving. And the more I did it, the more often I would find opportunities to do it again. And to make matters worse, I was so good at lying to myself that I believed every word of it.
Thankfully I never reached the point of addiction where bingeing would give way to purging. I ate to that point a couple of times but thanks to a slightly pathological fear of throwing up, I never allowed myself to actually take that step. Ironically the fear is because the last time I had a stomach bug after eating something I liked, it was years before I could again enjoy that thing - and I wouldn't let that happen because it would mean that I would lose all the things I craved for an undetermined amount of time, so I never reached that point. However, what I have been doing is detrimental to myself on a physical and emotional level, because like with any addiction, the more you feed it, the more you need it.
It's been over a week since I've had any kind of fast food, and I'm telling you right now - years long addictions do not go away easily. They don't even get better in a week - in fact, the cravings are worse right now than they've been yet - probably because I'm actively thinking and talking about them. The problem with this addiction, versus any other addiction people might have, has been spoken of in the metaphorical form of a tiger. With most addictions, when you're ready to beat them, you put the tiger in the cage and then do your best to keep it there. With food, however, you still NEED it. You're forced to put the tiger in the cage - and yet take it out for a walk three times a day. It isn't just fast food I'm addicted to, though it's what I crave the most - it's just plain eating. Eating anything. As I mentioned earlier, the thought of the tacos tonight is making my mouth water. Chewing gum or gnawing on a bone after eating a steak or pork chop works. As a result, I'm having to police myself VERY carefully in every aspect of anything having to do with food.
In the mean time, the headaches I was getting in the last week finally seem to be going away, however I'm experiencing some serious mood swings at the moment. I've bounced back and forth between angry, happy, and frightened (about something inconsequential) within the last five hours, and now I'm having a simultaneous burst of manic-like energy while my brain is trying to convince me that I need to take a nap. This is resulting in an on-edge, hackles-up, tense feeling. It's taking everything I can do not to get up and pace the living room like a caged animal. I've caught myself grinding my teeth, biting my tongue, and fidgeting in other ways. I shift in my seat, make random quiet noises, and have had to stop myself from making up some excuse for needing to go out so I could sneak in a fast food run in the process and just maybe take the edge off of this for a few hours. If it was smoking I was giving up, this would be called "nic-fitting," however with food there isn't any specific name for it.
The feelings I'm addicted to are a result of the chemicals that eating releases in the brain - they're truly what I'm addicted to. I can distract myself with other things for short periods of time, get that seratonin high that I'm craving off of performing well in a WoW dungeon, or focusing completely on artwork or writing to the point of being proud of what I'm turning out...but it doesn't last. And here's another lie I'm telling myself - I just caught it. No, the highs don't last - but NEITHER does the high from food! Or else I would never find myself caught in the "never enough" loop again. But because the things I'm using to distract myself, much like the use of nicotine gum for smokers, are a stop-gap measure and my body knows they are not what I really want, what I'm actually craving, my subconscious is telling me that they aren't good enough. That the good feeling isn't enough. Just like the "wrong" food is never enough, or even the right food in too small of a quantity is never enough.
It's insanely hard to admit you're addicted to something. It's harder to fight the addiction - especially when it's a lifelong one. I'm taking the first steps in recognizing that what I have is an addiction to food and going out of my way to fight it, but this road isn't easy. However, with writing this blog and admitting to the world as a whole that I have a problem, I'm taking another important step - realizing that I am not alone in this fight. I'm writing this because perhaps knowing that someone else is going through this will help others, but I also know that getting it out there will help me as well.
I've been on the wagon for over a week now. Here's to taking steps toward freedom, one day at a time.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Personal Assistant
I have a personal assistant. It isn’t a person, and I don’t pay it (personally), but without it I have proven time and time again that my less-than-stellar memory will cause me to be unaccountably less productive.
I woke up this morning at eight am, after having gone to bed at…oh…five thirty this morning. (No, don’t worry, it’s ok. I slept until four pm the previous day, so it balances out.) I was groggy, but there was work to do. The problem was, other than my immediately noticing that it was raining and considering how that would impact what I needed to do today, I had absolutely no memory of what it was I’d gotten up this early to accomplish. Then, at 8:05 on the dot, my personal assistant said, “beep?” I looked at it, wondering if perhaps it knew what I needed to accomplish today. And, sure enough, laid out in plain English on the home screen of my Android phone, it said, “Mail package early morning.”
That was it! That was why I was up so early today. I had a package for work that needed to be boxed up and shipped out as soon as possible. Happy that I now knew what I was doing, I boxed up the shipment, stuck the pre-printed shipping label on it, and headed for the door.
“Beep?” said my personal assistant (I think I might need to name it soon). A quick glance at my phone showed that I was about to forget something vital – my daily pills. You see, I’m anemic. This means I have a deficiency of iron in my body – be it from diet, my weight, or what, I can’t deny that when I don’t take my iron pill every day (preferably exactly 24 hours apart, because as I’ve learned, an overlap of iron suppliments makes me feel just as exhausted as if I hadn’t taken it at all, and I can lose several hours to the feeling of leaden limbs and a sluggish mind), I have no energy and barely any ability to function. In fact, breathing seems to take up an insane amount of effort and concentration. And for someone who enjoys accomplishing many things throughout the day, that simply will NOT do.
So, in response to my assistant’s question, I headed into the kitchen and took my pills. Iron is only one of many suppliments I take every day to keep my body in functional (I won’t say “tip top,” as I’m rather far from the top right now, unless it’s of weight charts. :P ) and productive condition. It’s also Monday, meaning that I needed to refill my seven day pill container (makes remembering what I’m taking so much easier if I don’t have to hunt for the pills) and set things up for the rest of the week. I was very happy while doing this – several times in the last few weeks I’d been careless with my pills and lost several days worth of productive time to exhaustion and a mind that felt like it was stuck in molasses – and it IS January.
Having taken my suppliments, I once again grabbed the box and headed for the back door. “Beep?” said my personal assistant. I checked it. Oh! Right! I was going to the post office – I should grab my Netflix disk, too, while I’m at it. Thank you again, personal assistant! I grabbed it, fumbled with my umbrella, the heavy box, the Netflix envelope, and my purse, and headed out to my car. Other than having to rescue the Netflix envelope from a puddle along the way (oops), and having to vault over another puddle in order to get into my car without submerging my leg up to my ankle in mud, the morning went well and my assistant didn’t page me again.
Until this afternoon.
I had just come home from working out (started a new regimen today, hoping it does me good), and gotten settled at my desk. A series of questioning beeps sounded while I was concentrating on doing art commissions, and I stared at where my phone laid in front of me. What could have POSSIBLY gotten my assistant so worked up? A quick check made my eyes go wide – overdue notification. I had never put my laundry away two days ago. Oh, and while I was at it, didn’t I know that I should do the dishes? Oh, and what about the recycling bin? It should go out to the collection bin before it overflows onto the kitchen floor, don’t you think? By the time you’re done with all that the cats should probably be fed.
I’d like to say I sprang into action and flew through those chores with the greatest of ease, but I really can’t. See, I’d just worked out. There was absolutely nothing “easy” about the way I was feeling. However, the laundry was already overdue, and the red flag on my assistant’s screen spurred me into action with a feeling of urgency akin to hearing the “Red Alert” klaxon in Star Trek. The laundry must be put away! The fate of the universe may hinge on it! Well, not really, but it’s funny the things geeks tell themselves mentally in order to spur motion when all they want is to relax at their desks.
I got up, headed through the kitchen to the laundry room, but was stopped by the small pile of dishes by the sink. That was on my assistant’s list, too, and here I am in front of it…I’ll just do it now! So I washed, dried, and put away the dishes. Then I cleaned the counters (widely acknowledged in this household as part of the “doing the dishes” chore, for multiple reasons – not the least of which being that when we don’t do that, we have ant invasions. Lost a battalion of cookies to them last week, it was a horrible tragedy). I finished with that and finally moved on to the laundry room, retrieving my laundry that had been patiently waiting in the dryer since Saturday evening (thank goodness I don’t treat my pets like I treat my clothes).
Clothes folded and put away, I returned the baskets to the laundry room, and started to leave the kitchen. This time, it wasn’t my personal assistant who reminded me of what intended action I had forgotten, but an insistant, “Meeerrroooww?” from the orange tabby who had been following me on my multiple trips through and to the kitchen, hoping that at any point I would stop and feed him. How he knew I was returning to my desk having forgotten to do so and that this was the perfect time to insist I do it NOW, I have no idea. Ziggy isn’t the smartest cat, but when it comes to food, he’s an Einstein (even if he seems to think that everything is some different kind of chicken). I looked at the clock – it was fifteen minutes to when they were technically supposed to get dinner, but I was in here NOW, and as sore as I was, I knew I wouldn’t want to come back in fifteen minutes to do something I could do now. So I fed the cats, washed the spoon I used, recycled the can, and THEN headed to my desk.
I sat down, happily pulled out my assistant, and began checking off the things I’d accomplished to avoid any further Red Alerts. However, when I finished, one thing was still staring me in the face.
“Blog – Due 3 Days Ago”
I stared at it, wondering how I’d missed that in the flurry of things going on, then dutifully opened up Word and began to type. Where would I be without my assistant? Well, not here, for one thing. This wouldn’t have been written. :P So here’s hoping that in the future, my assistant will help keep me on track and we won’t miss too many more blogs.
On that note, soon my new series, Inside Animal Emotions, will start being posted. I’m trying to get many of the posts written before I start the series so that they can be updated simply and cleanly on post days. Yes, this blog is still on a Friday schedule. No, that hasn’t changed. And no, I probably won’t stop being spastic any time soon. You’ll thank me for it later.
Note: My personal assistant consists of the Android Apps:
1. Alarm Clock Plus (for general “wake up” alarms as well as other random ones for specific things)
2. Tasks N Todos Pro (a widget on my home screen that syncs to my Google Tasks and allows me to easily check off chores and other items as they’re completed, as well as see the next upcoming 3 items on the task list)
3. KeepTrack Pro (a program that allows you to set up multiple yes/no questions as well as creating graphs from the data it collected so you can look at something and have a good idea of how long you’ve been consistant, among other things).
I woke up this morning at eight am, after having gone to bed at…oh…five thirty this morning. (No, don’t worry, it’s ok. I slept until four pm the previous day, so it balances out.) I was groggy, but there was work to do. The problem was, other than my immediately noticing that it was raining and considering how that would impact what I needed to do today, I had absolutely no memory of what it was I’d gotten up this early to accomplish. Then, at 8:05 on the dot, my personal assistant said, “beep?” I looked at it, wondering if perhaps it knew what I needed to accomplish today. And, sure enough, laid out in plain English on the home screen of my Android phone, it said, “Mail package early morning.”
That was it! That was why I was up so early today. I had a package for work that needed to be boxed up and shipped out as soon as possible. Happy that I now knew what I was doing, I boxed up the shipment, stuck the pre-printed shipping label on it, and headed for the door.
“Beep?” said my personal assistant (I think I might need to name it soon). A quick glance at my phone showed that I was about to forget something vital – my daily pills. You see, I’m anemic. This means I have a deficiency of iron in my body – be it from diet, my weight, or what, I can’t deny that when I don’t take my iron pill every day (preferably exactly 24 hours apart, because as I’ve learned, an overlap of iron suppliments makes me feel just as exhausted as if I hadn’t taken it at all, and I can lose several hours to the feeling of leaden limbs and a sluggish mind), I have no energy and barely any ability to function. In fact, breathing seems to take up an insane amount of effort and concentration. And for someone who enjoys accomplishing many things throughout the day, that simply will NOT do.
So, in response to my assistant’s question, I headed into the kitchen and took my pills. Iron is only one of many suppliments I take every day to keep my body in functional (I won’t say “tip top,” as I’m rather far from the top right now, unless it’s of weight charts. :P ) and productive condition. It’s also Monday, meaning that I needed to refill my seven day pill container (makes remembering what I’m taking so much easier if I don’t have to hunt for the pills) and set things up for the rest of the week. I was very happy while doing this – several times in the last few weeks I’d been careless with my pills and lost several days worth of productive time to exhaustion and a mind that felt like it was stuck in molasses – and it IS January.
Having taken my suppliments, I once again grabbed the box and headed for the back door. “Beep?” said my personal assistant. I checked it. Oh! Right! I was going to the post office – I should grab my Netflix disk, too, while I’m at it. Thank you again, personal assistant! I grabbed it, fumbled with my umbrella, the heavy box, the Netflix envelope, and my purse, and headed out to my car. Other than having to rescue the Netflix envelope from a puddle along the way (oops), and having to vault over another puddle in order to get into my car without submerging my leg up to my ankle in mud, the morning went well and my assistant didn’t page me again.
Until this afternoon.
I had just come home from working out (started a new regimen today, hoping it does me good), and gotten settled at my desk. A series of questioning beeps sounded while I was concentrating on doing art commissions, and I stared at where my phone laid in front of me. What could have POSSIBLY gotten my assistant so worked up? A quick check made my eyes go wide – overdue notification. I had never put my laundry away two days ago. Oh, and while I was at it, didn’t I know that I should do the dishes? Oh, and what about the recycling bin? It should go out to the collection bin before it overflows onto the kitchen floor, don’t you think? By the time you’re done with all that the cats should probably be fed.
I’d like to say I sprang into action and flew through those chores with the greatest of ease, but I really can’t. See, I’d just worked out. There was absolutely nothing “easy” about the way I was feeling. However, the laundry was already overdue, and the red flag on my assistant’s screen spurred me into action with a feeling of urgency akin to hearing the “Red Alert” klaxon in Star Trek. The laundry must be put away! The fate of the universe may hinge on it! Well, not really, but it’s funny the things geeks tell themselves mentally in order to spur motion when all they want is to relax at their desks.
I got up, headed through the kitchen to the laundry room, but was stopped by the small pile of dishes by the sink. That was on my assistant’s list, too, and here I am in front of it…I’ll just do it now! So I washed, dried, and put away the dishes. Then I cleaned the counters (widely acknowledged in this household as part of the “doing the dishes” chore, for multiple reasons – not the least of which being that when we don’t do that, we have ant invasions. Lost a battalion of cookies to them last week, it was a horrible tragedy). I finished with that and finally moved on to the laundry room, retrieving my laundry that had been patiently waiting in the dryer since Saturday evening (thank goodness I don’t treat my pets like I treat my clothes).
Clothes folded and put away, I returned the baskets to the laundry room, and started to leave the kitchen. This time, it wasn’t my personal assistant who reminded me of what intended action I had forgotten, but an insistant, “Meeerrroooww?” from the orange tabby who had been following me on my multiple trips through and to the kitchen, hoping that at any point I would stop and feed him. How he knew I was returning to my desk having forgotten to do so and that this was the perfect time to insist I do it NOW, I have no idea. Ziggy isn’t the smartest cat, but when it comes to food, he’s an Einstein (even if he seems to think that everything is some different kind of chicken). I looked at the clock – it was fifteen minutes to when they were technically supposed to get dinner, but I was in here NOW, and as sore as I was, I knew I wouldn’t want to come back in fifteen minutes to do something I could do now. So I fed the cats, washed the spoon I used, recycled the can, and THEN headed to my desk.
I sat down, happily pulled out my assistant, and began checking off the things I’d accomplished to avoid any further Red Alerts. However, when I finished, one thing was still staring me in the face.
“Blog – Due 3 Days Ago”
I stared at it, wondering how I’d missed that in the flurry of things going on, then dutifully opened up Word and began to type. Where would I be without my assistant? Well, not here, for one thing. This wouldn’t have been written. :P So here’s hoping that in the future, my assistant will help keep me on track and we won’t miss too many more blogs.
On that note, soon my new series, Inside Animal Emotions, will start being posted. I’m trying to get many of the posts written before I start the series so that they can be updated simply and cleanly on post days. Yes, this blog is still on a Friday schedule. No, that hasn’t changed. And no, I probably won’t stop being spastic any time soon. You’ll thank me for it later.
Note: My personal assistant consists of the Android Apps:
1. Alarm Clock Plus (for general “wake up” alarms as well as other random ones for specific things)
2. Tasks N Todos Pro (a widget on my home screen that syncs to my Google Tasks and allows me to easily check off chores and other items as they’re completed, as well as see the next upcoming 3 items on the task list)
3. KeepTrack Pro (a program that allows you to set up multiple yes/no questions as well as creating graphs from the data it collected so you can look at something and have a good idea of how long you’ve been consistant, among other things).
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Blog + Updates = Issues
So there hasn't been a post from me in a very, very long time. Yeah, I'm aware of this. This is partially due to the fact that thanks to a wordpress update, I can't seem to get into my site through anything other than the android mobile app on my phone. This has made posting and cross-posting blogs a bit difficult and it wasn't until today and some help from Nyx Goldstone that I finally realized I could pull it off. It just takes a bit more potchkeying than I'm used to.
Anyway! On to the actual update!
A couple of posts back, I blogged a request for donations to help me get my art back up and underway. As of yesterday, this has finally paid off as I got together enough money to get my software and hardware and am now the proud owner of a new Bamboo Connect tablet! I did some practice drawings yesterday in photoshop and let me tell you, it feels SO GOOD to be able to art again!
I owe a few people commissions now, and a couple of thank-you-gifts, but once I clear my commissions list I will be open and offering more types of commissions than ever before!
January is the month of Prosperity, and I see it everywhere I go, it seems. Starting with my return to the ability to release the art that has been locked up inside of me for years, and continuing into a prosperous new year and all the possibilities it entails. I'll be blogging more frequently again as I move along through this year, and eventually I'll get the rest of the story of my roadtrip from last year out as well (that's a promise!), but before I can do that I have to be able to get into my website through normal means, as I can't post my photo galleries to the blog without being able to enter the site on my computer rather than my phone. So right now that's still a bit of a roadblock.
In other news, randomly at about six am this morning, I regained my positivity and my happy after it being missing for...well, quite some time. I'm going to be working out regularly, getting my body in shape (and getting rid of the edema in my legs that's been caused by alternating colds and asthma attacks not allowing me to get up and move around enough lately), and working out always makes me feel good. I'm working on a life-schedule so I have time to take care of all the things I want to every day.
I had a strange epiphany while playing The Sims 3 (I want the Pets expansion SO BAD) the other day. When I used to play The Sims 2, I always played with a cheat. I'd never been able to balance the Sim's need for rest and food with all their other desires. I played through a whole week in Sims 3 without a cheat and for the first time in my life I had the realization that The Sims is very realistic for a REASON. I had to get my little person into a routine that allowed her time to get a full night's sleep, to eat at least twice a day (I say at least because I'm fairly certain she ate at work for lunch, but I didn't "see" that), and to take care of her household and personal chores, while still having time to work on her writing and other fun things she wanted to do. As I played through this week I realized that what I needed to do for myself is exactly what I was doing for this Sim that was based on me.
So thanks to Google Tasks and a related app for my phone to help me keep track, I've put myself on a schedule. Not random alarms that I'll shut off and not remember what they were supposed to be for, but actual CHECK boxes that lead me through what I need to do on a regular basis. But I'm not making the mistake I've made so many times before - I'm not writing down EVERY LITTLE THING that I need to do every day, to the point that my to-do list becomes overwhelming and I start my lazy pattern of shirking EVERYTHING for feeling overwhelmed. No, this is a new year and this is a new me, and from now on I'm getting this RIGHT.
Thanks to Lona, every month I have something new to meditate upon to help me keep my positive and my happy. I will control when I go to bed, and I will NOT allow random second-winds to keep me up until six in the morning and throw off my pattern for weeks at a time. I will have a cup of coffee when I feel like I'm flagging, and I WILL eat more than once a day. I will be eating less salt, and drinking more water. I will make time each day to work on artwork and commissions. I will NOT force myself to work on something until it becomes something I no longer want to do - I will want to work on it as long as I work on it, and I will work on it as long as I want to, to paraphrase Grandpa's normal toast. (May you live as long as you want to - and want to as long as you live.)
So hello 2012! You are going to be an amazing year, and I can't wait to see what you bring! Prosperity! Love! Charity! Passion! Sentiment! And SO much more!
Anyway! On to the actual update!
A couple of posts back, I blogged a request for donations to help me get my art back up and underway. As of yesterday, this has finally paid off as I got together enough money to get my software and hardware and am now the proud owner of a new Bamboo Connect tablet! I did some practice drawings yesterday in photoshop and let me tell you, it feels SO GOOD to be able to art again!
I owe a few people commissions now, and a couple of thank-you-gifts, but once I clear my commissions list I will be open and offering more types of commissions than ever before!
January is the month of Prosperity, and I see it everywhere I go, it seems. Starting with my return to the ability to release the art that has been locked up inside of me for years, and continuing into a prosperous new year and all the possibilities it entails. I'll be blogging more frequently again as I move along through this year, and eventually I'll get the rest of the story of my roadtrip from last year out as well (that's a promise!), but before I can do that I have to be able to get into my website through normal means, as I can't post my photo galleries to the blog without being able to enter the site on my computer rather than my phone. So right now that's still a bit of a roadblock.
In other news, randomly at about six am this morning, I regained my positivity and my happy after it being missing for...well, quite some time. I'm going to be working out regularly, getting my body in shape (and getting rid of the edema in my legs that's been caused by alternating colds and asthma attacks not allowing me to get up and move around enough lately), and working out always makes me feel good. I'm working on a life-schedule so I have time to take care of all the things I want to every day.
I had a strange epiphany while playing The Sims 3 (I want the Pets expansion SO BAD) the other day. When I used to play The Sims 2, I always played with a cheat. I'd never been able to balance the Sim's need for rest and food with all their other desires. I played through a whole week in Sims 3 without a cheat and for the first time in my life I had the realization that The Sims is very realistic for a REASON. I had to get my little person into a routine that allowed her time to get a full night's sleep, to eat at least twice a day (I say at least because I'm fairly certain she ate at work for lunch, but I didn't "see" that), and to take care of her household and personal chores, while still having time to work on her writing and other fun things she wanted to do. As I played through this week I realized that what I needed to do for myself is exactly what I was doing for this Sim that was based on me.
So thanks to Google Tasks and a related app for my phone to help me keep track, I've put myself on a schedule. Not random alarms that I'll shut off and not remember what they were supposed to be for, but actual CHECK boxes that lead me through what I need to do on a regular basis. But I'm not making the mistake I've made so many times before - I'm not writing down EVERY LITTLE THING that I need to do every day, to the point that my to-do list becomes overwhelming and I start my lazy pattern of shirking EVERYTHING for feeling overwhelmed. No, this is a new year and this is a new me, and from now on I'm getting this RIGHT.
Thanks to Lona, every month I have something new to meditate upon to help me keep my positive and my happy. I will control when I go to bed, and I will NOT allow random second-winds to keep me up until six in the morning and throw off my pattern for weeks at a time. I will have a cup of coffee when I feel like I'm flagging, and I WILL eat more than once a day. I will be eating less salt, and drinking more water. I will make time each day to work on artwork and commissions. I will NOT force myself to work on something until it becomes something I no longer want to do - I will want to work on it as long as I work on it, and I will work on it as long as I want to, to paraphrase Grandpa's normal toast. (May you live as long as you want to - and want to as long as you live.)
So hello 2012! You are going to be an amazing year, and I can't wait to see what you bring! Prosperity! Love! Charity! Passion! Sentiment! And SO much more!
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Artistic Aid Requested!
In need of donations - incentives included!
There's been an utter and complete lack of art on my part for a very, very long time. The simple reason being that when I upgraded my computer, I lost Photoshop, and my tablet doesn't work with Windows 7.
I need a copy of photoshop - which, thanks to my being a college student, I can get for about $250 through journeyed.com. That's about an $800 savings off the list price. I also need a new tablet - the one that I want is around $100, depending on where I get it - and no, it isn't a high end model; just something that will do what I need it to do.
For over a year, I've been unable to even offer commissions, and I am in a place in my life right now where I really need to be able to do that - both to have an artistic outlet, and to help bring money in to keep bills paid.
Long story short, I'm asking for donations to be made to my paypal - BUT! For donating, you automatically recieve a spot on my commissions list for a commission of equal (or greater, if inspiration strikes me) value to your donation!
I want to raise about $400, so that I can get Photoshop, my tablet, and have a little extra to cover any expenses that may come up with the commissions. Anyone who donates will be kept up to date on how much I've raised and how far I have to go to reach my goal.
If you donate more than once, you have a choice of getting one commission per donation, or having you donations tallied together into a lump sum for one high detail commission.
I don't know how long it will take to raise this money, so I can't offer any concrete deadlines on when the commissions will be completed, but once I have Photoshop and the tablet, the commissions will be completed in the order that the donations were recieved - and again, everyone will be kept abreast of the situation and where I am in the commission list.
To give you an idea:
$1-$3: Quick sketch or simple head-shot icon commission.
$4-$6: Simple head-shot icon commission (500x500, 100x100, 50x50 included)
$7-$10: Detailed head-shot icon commission (all 3 sizes included).
$11-$15: Your choice of previous levels up to value of amount total or 1 low detail full-body painting.
$16-$20: Your choice of previous levels up to value of amount total or medium detail full body painting.
$21-$25: Your choice of previous levels up to value of amount total, or a high detail full-body painting.
$26-$30: Your choice of previous levels up to value of amount total or a high detail full body painting with simple background.
$31-$40: Your choice of previous levels up to value of amount total or high detail full body painting with medium to high detail background.
$41-$55: Your choice of previous levels up to value of amount total or high detail full body painting with high detail background.
$56-up: Your choice of previous levels up to value of amount total, with option to have an 8x10 print of the original(s) shipped to you as well.
Thank you all for reading this and taking the time to donate if you can. This is one starving artist who greatly appreciates any help she can get. Thank you!
There's been an utter and complete lack of art on my part for a very, very long time. The simple reason being that when I upgraded my computer, I lost Photoshop, and my tablet doesn't work with Windows 7.
I need a copy of photoshop - which, thanks to my being a college student, I can get for about $250 through journeyed.com. That's about an $800 savings off the list price. I also need a new tablet - the one that I want is around $100, depending on where I get it - and no, it isn't a high end model; just something that will do what I need it to do.
For over a year, I've been unable to even offer commissions, and I am in a place in my life right now where I really need to be able to do that - both to have an artistic outlet, and to help bring money in to keep bills paid.
Long story short, I'm asking for donations to be made to my paypal - BUT! For donating, you automatically recieve a spot on my commissions list for a commission of equal (or greater, if inspiration strikes me) value to your donation!
I want to raise about $400, so that I can get Photoshop, my tablet, and have a little extra to cover any expenses that may come up with the commissions. Anyone who donates will be kept up to date on how much I've raised and how far I have to go to reach my goal.
If you donate more than once, you have a choice of getting one commission per donation, or having you donations tallied together into a lump sum for one high detail commission.
I don't know how long it will take to raise this money, so I can't offer any concrete deadlines on when the commissions will be completed, but once I have Photoshop and the tablet, the commissions will be completed in the order that the donations were recieved - and again, everyone will be kept abreast of the situation and where I am in the commission list.
To give you an idea:
$1-$3: Quick sketch or simple head-shot icon commission.
$4-$6: Simple head-shot icon commission (500x500, 100x100, 50x50 included)
$7-$10: Detailed head-shot icon commission (all 3 sizes included).
$11-$15: Your choice of previous levels up to value of amount total or 1 low detail full-body painting.
$16-$20: Your choice of previous levels up to value of amount total or medium detail full body painting.
$21-$25: Your choice of previous levels up to value of amount total, or a high detail full-body painting.
$26-$30: Your choice of previous levels up to value of amount total or a high detail full body painting with simple background.
$31-$40: Your choice of previous levels up to value of amount total or high detail full body painting with medium to high detail background.
$41-$55: Your choice of previous levels up to value of amount total or high detail full body painting with high detail background.
$56-up: Your choice of previous levels up to value of amount total, with option to have an 8x10 print of the original(s) shipped to you as well.
Thank you all for reading this and taking the time to donate if you can. This is one starving artist who greatly appreciates any help she can get. Thank you!
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