Six Years Gone

I didn't post on Monday this week because it seemed far more poignant to post today. Not because today is Friday, and not even because I had (and am fairly sure I passed) my first Statistics exam yesterday, but because today is the six year anniversary of me moving out of my parent's house in Texas and coming to live with my now fiancee and her family, who took me in as their own.

A lot has happened in the last six years - a lot of discovery, loss, joy, pain, and growing has happened on the part of me and everyone around me. I feel more like "myself" than I ever have before, and I've accomplished so very much in such a little span of time.

When I moved out here, I never thought I could go to college. I didn't think I was good enough even to pass the GED. But both my biological parents and my "adopted" parents (Lona's) encouraged me, and I passed it. Then I tested into College and began taking classes. I maintained a 4.0 GPA for many semesters and made it into Phi Theta Kappa, the 2 year college national honor society, the equivalent of Phi Beta Kappa. I will wear their pin when I graduate - which is going to be sooner rather than later.

Once I pass Statistics, I will only have 2 classes left, not only to transfer to Cal State Fullerton (where dad went), but to officially get my AA in Anthropology: my first degree.

In all of this, I've grown a lot as a person, and learned to trust the things I've always felt were right. I don't let other people pressure me into their points of view, and I have learned to listen to things fairly and evenly (though I admit I still have a problem with arguing even when I know I'm wrong), and have discussions.

I've grown to have actual emotional responses to things, rather than just crying or running away. I've learned to stand up for myself when I feel it's important, and to back down when it isn't. I've learned that I am an incredibly intelligent and talented individual, and I am still growing as a person, as a student, and as a spiritual being.

So many things I never would've learned if I wasn't here - I learned that I love roller-coasters, but hate falling. I've learned that love itself is an incredibly powerful emotion and can do things and get you through things you never thought you could survive. I've learned that sixty years of life doesn't make one person wise, and that twenty years of life doesn't make a person dumb - everyone is unique. I've learned that people do things, both good and bad, when you least expect them. I've learned the difference between the pain of losing a family member long-distance and losing one you share a house with. I've learned how to say goodbye, and how to say hello. I've learned that I like the scent of cherry blossoms, and I prefer softer materials to denim if I can help it.

I've learned that when someone leaves, they don't necessarily stay gone, and sometimes that which you can't see readily can be as real as that which you can. I've learned that I possess talents I didn't know about, and I'm still learning how to harness them. I've learned that love can turn a vicious alley cat into a snuggle kitty. I've learned that being half bobcat doesn't go well with half housecat.

I've learned that cancer can kill faster than you'd think possible. I've learned to treasure every moment with every person, because you never know when you'll speak the last "I love you." I've learned that you can impact people's lives without ever having met them in person. I've learned about balance, and decisions, and the value of silence and meditation. I've learned how to clean a kitchen and a bathroom without hurting myself. I've learned how to manage money (ok, so I'm still working on that one, but I'm better).

I've learned that cutting your own path means dealing with the rocks you uncover on the way, and that sometimes the experience of making the path smooth and easy is more than worth all the hard work that goes into it. I've learned that I don't need to visit a museum every couple of weeks to maintain that connection within me. I've learned to listen to the silence, the trees, and the wind, and feel in my soul what they have to say.

I've learned that it takes more than a year for a traumatic connection to fade in your mind. I've learned that a year after the fact, I still drive by certain buildings and find myself crying. I've learned to let myself cry. And I have learned, most of all, to love wholly and completely, without reservation.

Lona, I owe all of this to you. You came to Texas, six years ago today, and brought me home. And while I do miss my parents (I wish I had more time to talk to you guys!), I know that being here is where I'm supposed to be. And I am more than content.

Thank you, babe, for the gift that is your friendship and love. Thank you, mommy, for accepting me for who and what I am, for your encouragement and your love and your never-ending help along my path. Thank you, mom, for encouraging and helping me through all this growing I've had to do since moving here, and thank you for believing in me. Thank you, daddy, for your support and your intelligence and tips for dealing with things I never realized I'd need to. Thank you, dad, for being there for me out here until you couldn't be anymore - I will hold on to those memories forever, and I will never stop missing you. Thank you, aunt Bonnie, for teaching me to say goodbye - I still miss you, so much. Thank you, kitties, for showing love, acceptance, and patience with this confused puppy. Thank you, kitties I never even met while alive for teaching me that everything is a decision - and thank you for deciding to hang around.

Here's to another six years of joy, pain, excitement, passion, adventure, and most of all, love. Life is an adventure - but until you start living it, you never know just how incredible it can be.

Cat Bite = Annoyance

I know, it's Friday and I haven't blogged yet. School is starting to weigh on me and I'm fighting harder to understand Statistics. However, I'm dealing with a physical problem that's now taking away all my planned homework time, at least for today. And that is frustrating.

Two nights ago, I was walking through the hallway in the middle of the night, and I stepped on Zig. Zig is an orange tabby cat that, after dad's passing, has kind of glued himself to me and claimed me as his new person. He's on my desk now as I write this.

Possible physical TMI warning, btw. Stop reading now if you want, though I promise not to post pictures or be too graphic.

I point out that I stepped on him, because I want it clear that I am NOT holding this against him in anyway, though it's frustrating. He twisted around and bit me, sinking a fang into my right calf muscle. For a moment, I thought I was fine, then I felt the blood start to well up and slide down my leg. I went and got Lona, we went into the bathroom, and she cleaned the wound out as best she could, then bandaged it. By the time I'd walked back to my desk, the bandages had soaked through, so she bandaged it again, this time with a gauze pad taped down over the wound. That didn't bleed through, and it felt better.

Flash forward to the next day, yesterday. In which I had to walk to my Statistics class, in the heat, wearing hot jeans. About halfway through my class, I felt the first twinges of pain at the actual site of the wound. I thought I was pressing it against the chair I was sitting on, so I shifted my leg. By the time class was over and I got back to my car, it felt... really weird. I was feeling pain in the FRONT of the leg, too. As if someone had shoved a dagger through the back of my calf muscle and it was sticking through the tibia and fibula, almost breaking the skin on the other side. My leg didn't enjoy driving, and when I went to get out of the car, it didn't want to hold me up.

Now, I should've been more careful. I should have said something about it right when I got home, but I let myself get distracted. As a result, I didn't think about it again until around 9 pm. About the time it started randomly twinging and twitching, which naturally drew my attention to it. And it hurt worse than it did before.

This time I talked to Claudia, and she reopened the wound and scrubbed it out with hydrogen peroxide (OW, if I may say), and then packed it with cayenne pepper to draw out the infection. Thus began what turned into a very long night.

The pain from the cayenne made it worse. My leg kept twitching - I couldn't go to bed, or I would've kept Lona up all night. So I tried sitting up in the living room and sleeping on the recliner with a pillow under my knee to elevate the wound. Not too long after I sat down, I started shivering.

Then I started shaking. I've never shivered that hard or that uncontrollably before. I put blankets over myself, which immediately started me sweating, but I didn't stop shaking. The last time I looked at a clock before I fell asleep, it was about 3:30am. I woke up at 5am, having to use the bathroom. To make matters worse, because my leg didn't want me to stand reliably, I hadn't done the dishes. I used the bathroom and started the dishes, but I was exhausted and my leg hurt. I was leaning on the counter... and I decided to do something about it. I took a cayenne pepper pill (to try and warm me up - it's good for circulation and equalizes your blood pressure, as well as I figured it would only help the infection be removed faster). I also took two ibuprophen for pain/fever, and a digestive enzymes pill to try and counteract the hell I knew the cayenne was going to send my stomach into. It worked to a point, in that the horrible, nauseating heartburn only lasted an hour instead of four or five hours, so that was good.

I finished the dishes around 8am, and then it started hitting me that I'd only slept for like an hour and a half. Lona got up later, and I crashed.... and woke up 2 hours later, almost exactly. I've been up since. My insomnia of the last few days is not helping me get better.

I feel weak and tired, I'm having trouble concentrating and focusing (hence being unable to do homework), and I know that when Claudia's done with what she's doing, she's going to clean out the wound again - remove the contaminated cayenne and pack it anew. I just hope that the cycle doesn't start all over again.

I hate hospitals, but for awhile last night... I was considering going to the ER. Shaking like that was disturbing - I almost couldn't breathe, and my heartbeat was erratic. I rode it out, but... maybe I shouldn't have. Maybe I should've gone to the ER.

Then again... it's only a cat bite.