Nothing Like An Energetic Greeting

This energetic greeting was literal, too.

I finally found the time to move my taxidermy collection and ritual supplies from the plastic storage bin they'd been in, to the lovely wood chest that my fiancee gave me. I opened the plastic, began pulling them out, and was immediately astrally glomped.

Robert, my bobcat, was first. I lifted him out of the plastic bin and showed him the new chest, and I felt paws kneading at my arm where his paws were draped. I heard his half-purr, and I smiled, then went on pulling everyone out. It was then that my pack of coyotes noticed me. Mikey, the classic coyote, Clay, the red coyote, and Trevor (oh, he has come SO far from how frightened he was when I first got him, the poor roadkilled pup), as well as Silver, who is only taxidermically represented by a tail with silver tipping. They swarmed around me, I felt bumps, licks, nips.. I could hear them yipping excitedly, and I finally had to pull them all out and cuddle them all at once. I miss being able to have one of them draped over my desk chair at all times, but one of our cats has taken to leaping up onto my chair and sharpening his claws, and they would rip right through the leather of whoever was up there. So no pelts on my chair anymore.

This also means that while they're all constantly energetically aware of me, and I see them wandering the house astrally a lot, the physical piece that they're tied into isn't close to me anymore. This translated to them missing me as much as I miss them. It was doubly nice to see and feel them all again when I've been so wrapped up in school and everything that I haven't had TIME to spend with them. I spent longer than I had to moving them from box to box, and just generally enjoying their company. I set up the box so my ritual materials are far more accessable, too.

Just, in general, that was REALLY nice to do, and made me resolve to spend more time with them as often as I can.

Anthropology + Therianthropy = Epiphany

In Anthropology lab last week, I had my first exposure to primate bones other than human bones. So far, the human bones that we'd worked with seemed fairly indifferent to me. Residual energy, but no spirits attached - probably long gone once they realized they were study specimens. Or, even, perhaps as the people donated themselves to science, they knew better than to stick around.

Silly me, I was expecting something similar when dealing with the bones of lower primates. I could NOT have been more wrong. And what's worse - they did NOT like me.

I almost dropped a baboon skull (the first primate I held), because the moment I picked it up and turned it to examine the skeletal feature the teacher was talking about (grooves in the canine teeth that allow for blood spray without forming a vacuum in the animal's mouth) and suddenly I had a flash of a baboon (much like a real life version of this) coming right at my face. I jumped, inhaled sharply, and nearly dropped the skull. The other people at my table asked me what was wrong and all I could do was shake my head and claim to have had a chill.

Baboons are notoriously mean, however, so I just figured I'd gotten a P.O'ed baboon, and passed the skull on to the next student. (One other person in the class squicked when they held the skull and the reaction looked a lot like mine, from what I noticed. So it's possible there's another sensitive in the class, and that baboon really IS just a jerk.)

The chimpanzee didn't react as violently, but the moment I touched it, I felt uncomfortable. Like the energy of the bone was trying to push me away. Essentially sending the message "I don't like you. Put me down." The same thing happened for the other primate skulls I touched, until we got down to the primitive pro-simians (lemurs, etc). They just seemed more curious than anything, when there was any energy attached to the bones at all. The Aye-Aye skull the school possesses is dead, energetically. It felt like holding a rock - and not a charged rock, either. A couple of the skulls in that room are like that.

At first, I wondered if the reactions were because I'm a dire wolf, and it was some sort of instinctive dislike of large predators. I've had other bones and spirits react to me because of that before - my energy is ancient and doesn't necessarily work well with every creature I try to deal with. And, of course, spirits are also individuals, and they may just personally not like me for one reason or another. Personality is personality, alive or dead. But I've never experienced so many in a ROW that disliked or rejected me.

I wasn't doing anything different from the way I normally deal with bones. I approached them with respect, handled them carefully, and said a silent prayer of thanks to the individual who's bone I was working with for allowing so many people the opportunity to learn so much from their corporeal remains (in the case of my personal collection, I always thank them for working with me and make sure they know that if they ever wish to leave, all they have to do is let me know and I'll find them new homes.) I was doing this for each bone I'd come into contact with in the class before.

This included the human bones, and the animal bones we used for comparative anatomy (a dog, a deer, the Aye-Aye that feels like a rock). All that had something attached to them had reacted favorably before this point, if not even with an air of boredom. Kind of a, "Yeah. Yeah. We're educational specimens. Thanks for the thanks, but it isn't like we haven't been through this thousands of times before.."

But not the primates.

The only bone that didn't outright try to shove me away was the male gorilla, and I got the impression that he was more interested in my human body than my wolf spirit. That was a bit disturbing in it's own right, but not really the purpose of this blog, so maybe more on that later.

I was talking to my fiancee about the weirdness in class via text messages once I'd completed the lab assignment and was just waiting for the rest of the class to finish to the teacher could go over the answers with us. She suggested that perhaps the primate skulls were reacting to the fact that I'd spent the majority of my life essentially rejecting the part of me that's primate, and the energy of the bones was sensing the blockage that had created in my aura that I'm only starting to work on, and therefore the skulls were rejecting me because they felt rejected BY me.

It brought me back to the personal experiment that I ran a couple of years ago, off and on, to try and connect more with my human self and realize what it had to offer me rather than focusing (as many therians seem to do) on the fact that I am not on the outside what I am on the inside and therefore no matter what I do, humanity will always be the enemy. And I started thinking about how I've seen things differently since those experiments - understanding, more, honestly.

Therians call humanity unnatural - in reality, we're just as natural as anything else. We don't create things out of nothing - the things we use to make our tools and our habitats, are all perfectly natural, in their base states. Humans simply take everything steps further - making and using tools? Other primates do that. Birds do that. Other animals create and fashion tools from objects in their environment to aid them in their every day life. Humans do that, too. We just do it on a more grandiose scale because of our personal species' evolutionary adaptation - our brain. Other animals are intelligent, they have culture and use language. But humans, again, take these things to the next (and sometimes the next next next.. etc... ) level. We envision, we mold, we shape. And yes, we do show very little regard for our other species with which we share the planet - as a whole.

But you can't tell me that any other creature shows "regard" for the others around them. Not living, anyway. But we're stepping back a moment from spirituality and looking at the scientific world and what it encompasses. Humans aren't the top of the food chain - but we know how to defend ourselves from predators. This has not eliminated all predation on humans world-wide, because we are a favored food of large cats and other creatures.

We have a rich mythology that has colored our opinions of other creatures in the world. But if other creatures could think on the same level as us, would they view us the same? I visit in my head the scene from Brother Bear in which the two bears are standing in front of a cave painting of a stick figure, standing up to a huge roaring bear. The younger bear remarks that the monsters are scary... Especially when they carry those sticks. In the bear's eyes, the human is the monster. In the human's eyes, the bear is the monster. When we endow animals with human-level intelligence (as we do when we read, write, or watch things like the aforementioned movie), we can't help but put ourselves in their paws and realize that perhaps, to them... we're just as bad.

Taking the anthropology class and the connected lab has just opened up in my mind a wealth of other possibilities, and realizing the animal-ness of humans... and the human-ness of animals. It's been pointed out to me, time and time again, that thanks to my self study and perhaps even in part to the fact that I am not just a therian, I am an EXTINCT therian, I am in a position to help people with my writing and my knowledge.

Over the years, people have sought me out personally for my advice. Everything from helping them realize whether or not they are a therian or are simply experiencing totemic communication, or perhaps something else, to helping them sort out what their theriotype might be, and even beyond into how to cope with their animal-ness in a human society. Time and time again since I published my first definitive essay on the topic, I've been sought out, pointed out, cited, praised, and, yes, ridiculed. However, that's something that's unavoidable, and I've come to accept that. I read something someone pointed me to the other day that touted me as up there with Lupabitch and Ravenari when it came to people who know what they're talking about in a spiritual, neopagan, therianthropic sense. I was completely shocked - I know both of these people, of course, and I look up to them. But I've never considered myself on the same level.

I've thought for years that my calling to help people and what I wanted to do for work had to be essentially mutually exclusive. I want to be a paleontologist - I've wanted to be one since I was young enough for form the concept of what it was (kindergarten age). But beyond that, I didn't know. Work in a museum, maybe? Help design dynamic exhibits to bring people's attention and respect to the creatures long gone from this world? But that ultimately wouldn't really "help" people in any way, since those who visit a museum are already looking for the knowledge and trying to do it themselves - they aren't looking for a guru, or someone who might be able to explain it to them - they're looking to witness the proof for themselves and form or enforce their own opinions. They aren't looking for help, unless it's to gather information for writing a paper, or something similar.

But therians, or people who might be therians, or people who have been directed to me by other therians, etc, are looking for help. And it happens so regularly that I've realized people have begun to consider me a guru of sorts. And while daunting, it opened up a new can of worms for me in realizing what I want to do with my life.

I am an artist. I am an author. I love writing and creating as much as I love learning. What if I could do something with my life that kept all of these aspects? I could write self help books, for therians and those who are trying to understand them. I could get them traditionally published. I could establish my credibility with my anthropology and paleontology degrees, and beyond with my years of research and LIVING with being a therian myself. I could help people - and be able to still attend school and keep learning and living on my own time in the mean time. It has aspects of everything I want to do in it... And my positivity says that all I have to do to make it a reality is to simply DO it. It feels right.

And if there's one thing I've learned, it's to go with my feelings.

I did, once I realized what might have been causing the primates to be upset with me, "broadcast" an apology for the way I've acted most of my life to the spiritual room at large, and I sent images and thoughts of the way I think NOW. Now that I've managed to essentially force myself into contherianthropy, as I understand it. Unfortunately, I didn't have a chance to interact with the bones again after offering this apology, so I won't know until week after next if it was effective.

Not this week, because (and I'm excited about this), my lab class is going to the zoo this week to observe the primates. Living creatures, in action. I can't wait... And, honestly, it's just another point at how my thinking has changed. I went to the Santa Ana Zoo once, about 3 or 4 years ago. My impression was, literally, "It's ok... but it's all monkeys!" I was so bigoted against primates that I didn't see the POINT of a zoo if all they were exhibiting were primates.

I look forward to this chance to form a new opinion of the zoo, much as I have of primates in general.

However, on another note, right now, my primary feeling says that I'm hungry. So eating is next on my plate... ah... so to speak.

The Week In Review

Not a lot has happened in this last week, but I promised to start doing this weekly so here I am.

Something that pointed out in my head how differently I see things than most people happened when I got something amazing in the mail from Lupa. Some mammoth ivory. A beautiful bark piece, as well as some smaller core pieces. Not enough to actually make a guess at the age of the mammoth, but still... something thousands of years old and from a creature that I as a dire wolf am intrinsicly linked to.

When I first held them in my hands, I felt like I was going to explode with the energy connection. It was as if the mammoth that had laid dormant in the ivory for thousands of years, mourning it's lost world, suddenly sparked to life in shock when our energies touched and said, "Oh hey, I remember you! I recognize your species!" I showed off the mammoth ivory excitedly to everyone in my house. My fiance was excited because it was something that was potentially expensive that I now was in possession of, but she's kind of money obsessed right now since she's job hunting and very aware of a low bank account, as am I. Her mom was excited because I was excited, but didn't really understand. My best friend was excited, but more for me than because of what it was - she was excited because of what it meant to me to have the things, but when I offered her a piece she just had a "where would I put it.." reaction. My brother was excited on an energy level - but he's a kitsune otherkin and very energy conscious. I offered him a piece and he took it in awe that I would give a piece away. His reaction was nice, but still not related to the way I reacted, and I don't know what the mammoth had to say to him, if anything.

Other than that, nothing's really drawn anything into sharp relief for me this last week. There've been arguments and fights, as there always are when we in the house get low on money - it's like two neighboring wolf packs when the population of food gets low. We start nudging at each other's edges, snapping and snarling and jockeying for position that might get us some money to be able to do what we need to do first.

I'm in Anthropology class right now as I write this, waiting for the actual class to start while I write this. The only other thing that's on my mind is that I got to school early today, parked and napped in my car a bit before heading up to class. I don't usually dream when I do that - I don't fall into a deep enough sleep to dream, but today I did.

It's already fading, as dreams have a tendency to do, but what I remember is that I'd decided, for whatever reason, not to go to class today, but I didn't want my family to know. I was driving around, looking for somewhere with something cheap to eat since I'm hungry. I kept getting lost in what should've been familiar areas that just weren't familiar. I remember muttering to myself at one point that I'd turned off the car when I parked at school so I wouldn't use up the gas I just paid sixteen dollars for (for a little over 4 gallons... gas prices are crazy), and here I was driving around and using up even more than I would've if I let the car run while I was sitting at school.

At one point I see a sign that reads "six lane freeway entrance ahead," I've always been able to read in dreams. I know that alone is weird. But I remember noting that I would get on the freeway and see where I went. But it was as if I was coming up onto the freeway at it's end, and getting on going the wrong way. I swerved around cars and managed to pull off a J-turn and went back the way I came, angrily muttering that the freeway hadn't gone this way the last time I'd been on it. It was about this time that my alarm went off and I jerked awake. My right hand was asleep, my body was sluggish, it took me a damn long time to get my alarm turned off. And I was actually surprised when I realized I was still in the parking lot. I sat there for a minute and finally managed to get myself out of the car and head in to class. Though since then I've just been thinking and wondering if that dream had any meaning (other than the obvious - go to school). I mean, I never have dreams when I nap in the car. It's uncomfortable, so I don't get into a deep sleep, so I have no idea what was going on this morning that I dreamed.

But yeah, that's this last week for me. See you next week!