I'm sitting in Anthropology, listening to the lecture on what happens after we die, physically. I can't help but notice that for the first time in almost a year, I'm able to view this detachedly again. I suppose that's a very good thing as far as my scientific career goes.
However, I attempted to watch Bones this last weekend and felt a bit overwhelmed. I couldn't get through the first episode. I can't help but remember that I used to love things like NCIS and CSI, and I was fascinated by the coroner's scenes in both shows. Now, having had close encounters with Death, I find it harder to view these shows from the perspective of scientific examination. I was enjoying the show, but something (I don't even REMEMBER what it was now, and I'm not sure if that's a good thing of a bad thing) went triggery in my head and I had to stop watching the episode.
I miss dad. I miss AJ. I miss my old pets. I miss my aunt. Death doesn't agree with me, I discover. Not really a surprise, as while I work spiritually with dead THINGS, the spiritual side is very much alive. It makes things easier. I don't know, though. I feel like my brain is a bit disconnected right now.
I have school work to do, lots to think about, tests to prepare for, books to work on, gaming goals to reach... In other words, I have quite a lot to do and a lot on my mind.
However, my positivity is still fully in place. I feel happy and amazing generally. I love getting up in the morning, I'm loving doing everything I can to help around the house. I'm loving taking care of the kitty cats we still have, and getting back into my hunting games. I'm healthy and happy and throughly loving everything I'm doing.
I have to get gas on the way home from class today, and I'm STILL incredibly happy. I'm going to end this entry before I babble myself into nonsense.
I've had a lot of problems thinking about Death lately: as a Goddess of Nature(maybe even Nature herself), I'm supposed to be balanced between Life and Death. I'm actually both, but my mental rather than spiritual side keeps getting in the way. Like what happened with Storm yesterday. I was so terrified that I'd lose her, I broke down in tears. I kept seeing Death as the Black Rabbit of Inle on the way into town, as I listened to Bright Eyes over and over('is it a kind of shadow...'), and I thought for sure it was going to be her end. But I suppose he was there as a sort of Guardian more than anything else, or maybe someone had just helped their pet pass on. I wish I could tap into the Goddess that I once was, so that when an animal passes, I could wish them a fond farewell, instead of losing it. I suppose that's why all these old fragments keep coming back. They're trying to turn me into who I once was, so I can deal with life in general, better.
ReplyDeleteHehe, that comment turned out a bit longer than I expected. I'm glad you're happy, Tyger. I love you, and I can't stand more than anything else to see a friend down.