She said it best...

Trinitylast's Blog: April 14th

The above link is my fiancee's blog regarding her dad's birthday a few days ago. You know, I know it gets confusing, but I'm going to refer to him as dad in this as well, because that just makes things a little easier.

She really epitomized how I was feeling in that post, though I admit I hadn't made the connection that she did with what Leon said at the memorial service and the way we felt. I don't think I can type up anything nearly as long without crying, hence the link to hers, but I felt the need to say something and have been feeling it for days. I just haven't been able to gather my thoughts. So here's my attempt.

The "a year ago" things I was worried about are happening in full force. It doesn't help that we just lost AJ, a little over a week before dad's birthday. Now, I want to make one thing clear - I see animal spirits. I have never seen dad, but I, as everyone else in the house is, am aware that he's very much still here. How, if I don't see him?

Well, he has a tendency to comment on things, just like he did when he was alive. He'd overhear a conversation from another room, and shout his 2 cents in. Now, though, it's in our heads. And more than one of us have heard him at the same time, which is kind of the proof, as far as I'm concerned. So again, I have the odd juxtaposition of missing someone who I am aware of on a spiritual level still being very much here. But I miss him.

Like Lona said in her post - all the annoying things he did... I miss them. All the times he yelled and blew up and shouted at everyone in the house because he was having a bad day, I miss. But when it comes down to it, what I miss the most is the knowledge of his physical presence. I miss his hugs. I miss sharing our interest in action movies (I haven't really been able to watch action movies since he passed, and I only just now realized that's probably WHY), and history. I miss him giving me advice for dealing with my schoolwork, and I miss the fact that he had planned to show me around Cal State Fullerton when I transferred... He still will, I suppose, but I'll be the only one physically there. I miss him bragging on me to his friends over the phone, telling the story of the misplaced bone in a museum that I identified and brought to the attention of the staff. (That hall was closed for renovation the following month, and reopens this summer, so I'm looking forward to seeing if they FIXED that, and part of me wonders if I was part of the reason for the renovation.)

I miss the TV on all night, and him sitting essentially right next to me - the couch is next to my desk. His comforting presence there, even when he was asleep. I miss him talking in his sleep (one memorable time, he quoted something from a James Bond film, and another he went on for over an hour about how the plant seed pods were going to get us all, and it was all "your" fault... We still don't know who he was talking to). I miss him coming in while I was doing dishes or making a sandwich and commenting on the careful, deliberate way that I do things, then hugging me or patting me on the back.

I only knew him for five years. But he was a huge part of my life, just by virtue of being... dad. And even though I was afraid of him when he got loud, when I first moved in, I later came to recognize what came from a chemical imbalance, and what was actually him. And while I hated his chemical imbalance... I loved him. No matter what.

And now I miss him. Every day. In every way possible, I miss him. On an almost daily basis I think, "Dad would be so proud of me for _____", or "I wish dad was here to see this...". Even when he didn't understand what I was talking about, he listened to me. He really listened to me - and that was a huge thing for me.

So, yeah... Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and time doesn't heal all wounds. Some wounds stay gaping and open, and there's nothing you can do to heal them. In time, you learn to live with the pain.

Things you learn as you get older, I suppose. And things that are just common sense. Everyone says goodbye. Goodbyes always hurt. And the holes that are left are never filled.

I miss you, dad.